what was i thinking?? -
well, this has all turned out interestingly enough.
I was alone for awhile before this last girl, and maybe that's why I ended up with her? K, so in her defense, she isn't really that bad. She's young, laced with all the over dramatized morose over exaggerations of suffering, and self obsessed indulgent teenage rhetoric.
mind you though, i've been with other women, and even those whom i've been with, that were younger - either dating or as friends - didn't sound so morbid all the time. Woe is me, and woe is me, perpetually to the point of obsessive compulsion, really isn't all that attractive, and the amazing thing is, that she is, quite visually stunning. Isn't it too bad when someone is so aesthetically pleasing, existing in the land of morbid angst; refusing to recieve any positive feedback, and nurturing, their own negativity by literally creating the defused lonliness they themselves dispise, and yet, encourage?
I was attracted to her innocence. Her sweetness, and what i perceived to be unjaded curiousity... all of which i discovered fairly quickly was artificial.
Now, the dynamics are obviously a little bit foolishness on my own behalf.
She wasn't interested in me to begin with. Actually she wanted to be with a co-worker whom was already involved, and ironically he only ever spoke to her sexually and flirtatiously. and of course, she did want to be with my loser basement room-mate prior to that, knowing full well that this particular boy lived in the land of delusion, pretending as though he has it all figured out; while he goes about taking advantage of every friend that steps into his life.
so i shouldn't have been surprised really. Her choice of men was so totally different than i could've ever been, it was inevitable that it would fail. I don't need to be the bigshot; i'd rather be happy, content, loved, and at peace. Mind you; i also don't want to listen to whining and complaining about the same thing day in and day out for weeks at a time. An adult, just gets off their ass, puts up, or shuts up. Either gets going, or reconciles it and lives with it.
no one that is remotely healthy spends all their time going "wah this person this" and "wah this person that" and talking to everyone about everyone else - and then - to compile the ignorrance of that behaviour, to actually sit back and get all offended and upset and hurt, when the very thing that they do as a daily habit, and mainstay, occurs to them.
you know, i don't talk about people behind their backs, what the hell for? when i can get right in their faces and tell them what i think about them, and never have them in my life again? Isn't that easier? Tell em, they get offended, and infantile (which is why they pissed me off enough to get in their faces in the first place) and then they go away. problem solved.
they're gone, no more problem :)
so here it is, about three weeks after me having some illusions that this morose little self absorbed woe is me child, and I would actually last. Of course we wouldn't last. She's the complete opposite of me. I decide, and I do. All in ten days or less; no matter what it is. She talks and dwells on the "i can't do..." "...i don't have..." "...I'll never be..." ... it just gets old.
and it dragged me down, a perfectly healthy happy guy, and in under a month i was completely miserable; constantly feeling like i had to stroke a baby that was suffering with pain all the time.
anyway, here it is a few weeks later, and what has occured? friends have flown back to vancouver, to hang out with me! :O all that stuff that went missing, suddenly showed up on my doorstep...
and the women... ahh the women... I haven't actually done a damn thing to promote myself, haven't been extra social or anything else, and they're coming out of the woodwork...
nice, intelligent, educated, driven, strong, (thank God for that strength), and my social life is back again. Jeez, virtually everyday, and evening, someone has either dropped by to visit, and stay over, or someone has called me to stay over at their house...
I've been to three concerts, 2 live bands (granted it was gastown so it was already seedy, but hey, the bands were good), 1 ballet, 1 opera, and now I've already beginning to plan my trip.
and already, its been barbque at James' house every weekend... man, people can't wait to hang out, and amazingly enough, now that I've removed all that scank crap bullshit from that cambie bar - from my life, these folks, these friends actually have jobs with paycheques. they actually pay their own way, and my gosh, on top of it? they're like me. generous without the land of what if could've should've might've been...
It occurs to me, that if people spend their energy looking at the good things that they have in their lives, instead of wah, this person hates me, wah, i'm fat, wah, i have no friends, wah i'm lonely, wah people are always picking on me; they'd see that life is easy, and that it changes for the better because their own headspace is there; and they'd clue into the fact that their friends are scum and backstabbers, and they are treated like crap because they themselves can't dwell on anything else.
too bad. she had a lot of hidden potential. You showed it to me God. I saw it, cuz you showed it to me, and well, it'll be a hell of a long time before that poor little girl will get her head out of her ass, and past her simple minded materialistic limited perceptions of life.
I should prolly just go out with people that actually have some clue, and have some education... cuz lets face it james. you worked in retail when you were 17ish... and you thought they were pretty much all bimbo's that liked to shop then... so why would it be any different now? they're the kind of people that grow up, old and judgemental about anyone and everyone as they spend all their free energy finding things to complain about; being parasitic to the world, while they wish they had what other people are busy getting, while they're busy wishing that they had it...
man... i had my head in my ass for a few months...
what the hell was i thinking going out with someone that is best suited working and living life in a bar, or lounge, or as counter help.
here's some advice folks. never date anyone outside your own station. it can't work, cuz they'll either never see what you see, or be bitter at it, cuz they don't have it.
Permalink | posted by James Mendham @ 1:21 p.m. |
 
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