intellesting stuff :) -
You know? I'm not lonely. Haven't been for as long as I can remember. K, well I do remember being lonely before; when I swapped out my life of debauchary for a life of promises by God.
It was hard, and i know I'm not the only person in the history of man to change my life on a dime; and be and do the things I knew I was; instead of the things I was actually doing which all were not at all anything reflective of my heart.
yet here it is! My phone is constantly ringing with friends and suitors; and there isn't a night that goes by where folks are not calling me to do something. Of course, working does mean nope, I can't go out and get nuts on a monday or tuesday or wednesday night; yet even so... peeps are still just coming over; respectful of the fact that james won't party during the week.
people are still talking to me about my bbq party and I'm still getting complaints from those that weren't 'invited' to it. ironically it wasn't a 'big bash' and wasn't ever intended to be one. it was intended to be an experiment.
I prayed about it. I invited only about a dozen peeps. Yet the house had more folks than we had room to hold. And now, that its been discussed by so many people, and others that were all sceptical on this aloof james character, it is indeed going to be a monthly event! I've already arranged for a dj for the one on May 1st weekend, and Ron from work and Andy, will both come with their bands on June 1st weekend and play for everyone. All volunteering, and offering!
It is humbling. I was so jaded and suspicious of those whom others thought were my "friends" while the whole time, i was thinking uh huh, sure they are; as long as i can give them money, buy the beer; help them get drugs or whatever else.
and now? well, i suppose all these years of showing integrity; honour, honesty and true friendship to so many; has come back to me as a blessing of those around me.
I've heard it said that a person is best viewed by the company they keep. And the things that I've heard so much in the last few weeks are all reflective of that I suppose. Although I'm not boasting since after all, it is the friends I have that determine whom I am.
The one thing that entirely sticks out for me, and which has been reiterated perpetually since the beginning of the month is that everyone was stunned at how well everyone got on at the party. Everyone got on well with the others; exchanging numbers; showing paramount respect and even those whom knew no one when they arrived, were happy that they had been asked to come.
It was even more interesting that when i spoke to the neighbor in the basement to join us, everyone was of the attitude of 'why is he here, and why is he such a dick?' with him being the only one ignorrant of the fact that his chip and ego and attitude of 'i'm all that and you should all bow to me cuz i'm a cambiphile and dime bag dealer' had no value to anyone.
I snake is easily seen by all that are not afraid of snakes.
I'm hearing tons of idea's and such that folks desire to contribute to the next venues and it is nice to know that the calibre of friends which I have, are fully reflected in their overwhelming abilities to be accepting of each other in honesty instead of false pretense; and that they desire to become fully involved with those others whom they've met; in sincerity; without gossip or infantile childish drama's that come from bars.
I did think though that it is too bad that JW and I didn't work out, as I know she would've had a wonderful time, and met wonderful people, all of whom would've respected our relationship; and respected her in her own right, by her own merit.
Ironic how things are stripped away before they've actually had a chance to actually become anything.
Of course, the upside of that is, that both JW and I have completely seperated ourselves from the avenues of specific clubs in the gastown area, and the attitudes of the lower life forms which habitate those stools and chairs; mocking the better people; of whom both JW and I were; simply because they either couldn't have us, or couldn't be like us in their jealousy and pompous chip on their shoulder attitudes.
So, all's well that ends well.
The only thing that I do wish - as God is the ruler and designer of all life; by His grace if He will allow - is that JW and I will again be able to share the safety of the friendship and appreciation we held for each other before the rain, the gossip, and the stress of money and distrust weeded in to destroy the capacities of the better people which we are.
However again, no one can pray against the free will of another, and each of us must struggle with our own stubborness, rebellion and abilities to forgive others and ourselves.
After that...? well, its all gravy.
I am grateful. I'm grateful and humbled by the dramatic return of all which was mine before KH and gastown, before the Cambie abyss of jealousy and artificial people with judgements and attitudes all garnered and weaned through insecurity. I'm grateful that God has restored to me all that was lost and that it is 7 times which was lost. As He has promised. As He has written. And as it must be done for those whom truly serve the only true God.
For all things are acceptable, yet all things are not profitable; and anyone who can understand that wisdom; in its true universal truth; will discover that the knowledge of God; is greater then the human perception of spirituality modified to suit our desires and wants.
For anyone that can perceive that last paragraph; also realize this... wanting and having are never the same thing, and its better to recieve what we're gifted than aspire towards achievement as the having never quells the hollow inside; forcing us again to desire; and crave more; thinking that in the chase, we'll achieve the contenment, which was never designed to be achieved at all.
A gift is forever. Anything taken, is only fleeting and temporary.
Permalink | posted by James Mendham @ 1:16 p.m. |
 
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