a letter to Sarah :) -
Hi,
so then, i hope things are well with you. I hope that the youngen is growing up strong and happy.
I'm writing this letter for 2 reasons. 1 because it has to be done for my own sake; as God has shown it to me; and secondly to thank you.
When we met, i was still hurt and frightened and broken from all that Laurie had done to me in her hatred. she still is incidently, however, i forgive her, it is her ache that drives her, not forgiveness that heals her. You were the sweetest most accepting person I'd known up to that point in my life. And God used u to bring so much healing to me, in my heart, and in my spirit, that now, after years, I understand everything that God allowed in this, even the very ending of it. The testing of my faith, the trials of my heart, and the ability to live within the forgiveness I tried to show you, and the peace that He used you to show me.
Remember when I told you that I what I prayed before we met? I didn't realize until after all was said and done, of what exactly it was that I prayed. God reminded me. I remember that, laying in bed before I met you and talking to Him. Asking for just one taste. One taste of an innocent love for myself, so I could experience it. Learn it and know what it feels like... know what it was like to actually love someone without restriction. Then came you. Of course, I couldn't possibly know what God was intending to do. Inspite of everything He'd shown me in my life, I really didn't know His plan anymore than you did. Nor can anyone obviously.
God reminded me, that I should've prayed more specifically, however, since then He's shown me what to ask for, so I don't overstep His rules or boundaries.
When I met you I had not actually loved a single woman in my life. Adored, desired, lusted after, infatuated with... sure all of that... but loved? Freely with everything inside me? No. Also, even now, looking at you and our interaction I can still say that I didn't love you fully. Since I always reserved a part for myself.
Sarah... God used you to teach me how to love like a child again. How to love freely and clearly in believing. In faith, as an innocent child. He used you to heal me of hurts and trusts which were breached. And not for us, not for you and I together. But for me, for my own sake. In order to make me ready for whom I was actually matched for... the actual choice He had for me. (whomever that is to be of course is yet to be seen; but meh, i'm not in a hurry and you know me well enough to know I can't be bothered to seek her out).
I have no idea what it was that God used me for in your life, and whatever it was or is, i'm sure that indeed, you have learned it and embraced it.
So, i can say sincerely. That i do love and adore you. Not in the romantic sense at all, but rather, in the precious truth of God in you, and you in God, and Christ healed and saved for you and me. Thank you for being used by Him, thank you for your prayers, your faith, your innocence. For being who you are, and for accepting a silly old man with a dream. It is because of you dear Sarah, that I was actually able to see my way clear to what it was in me, and what it was in my heart, that i desired... the ability to see the hidden desires of my heart. To feel able to recieve them, and feel worthy of them. If God had not introduced you into my life, i would never have been able to recieve the true gift of my heart. The piece which was meld for me. :)
I will pray for you whenever He brings you to my mind... and smile at the gift I was given in you. I'll see you in heaven, and we can hug and be happy that we're home :)
Enjoy whom God gives you as your partner, in fullness, in love and in trust, praying as you do, in the strength that you have. Be faithful to the calling of your nature in Christ, and stay the course. Never limit yourself since God is omnipotent. Never settle, and never give up, because you are a child of God, of the remnant, of the elect. Chosen before the foundations of the world.
Bye, and God bless.
James
Permalink | posted by James Mendham @ 1:55 p.m. |
 
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