... -
pappa?
you are a bizarre and interesting God.
i don't understand you at all.
i do and then things like this happen and I don't.
what is it that you priviledge me with this?
i know i don't deserve it at all, and I know I'm not worthy of it,
yet, still you do so.
a friend, who is a friend, who is also someone who embodies everything I desire.
and all at that time, I can't be who i am, which you created me to be, when i'm around her.
knowing the entire time that she deserves someone, something, anything better than I.
i never thought i'd ever hear from her again. yet this did occur. by your grace, and mercy.
for the first time, in all that i've known you, except for each time around her, i don't feel better than whom i've been around.
i know that i have to improve, inspite of the fear of doing so.
God, you know? i fail on purpose. cuz if i do, then i never have to recieve your blessing. the blessing of what it is that you truly desire to gift me.
so i falter, perpetually, methodically; being less than what you created me to be.
in order to have faith for what it is that you will give me, when i can't fail anymore.
yet here....
why?
why are you so odd?
would you truly grant me a gift beyond my abilities?
would you honestly give me the woman that loves you as much if not more than me?
would i be granted such a blessing?
i'm frightened.
the what if could've should've might've been that could come after, if i do fullfill your created nature in me, only to not have her.
for the first time in my life, its not lust. its trust. desire, appreciation, and love. real love. the love that can be able to trust you.
perhaps this isn't anything but the euphoria of what i've experienced, still though...
i can't say never with you, as you constantly show me bizarre extremes of your love for me.
you are a perfect God.
you never make mistakes.
so i won't think about this.
i'll just trust you, as always.
knowing nothing,
being nothing.
and pretending nothing.
becuase no matter what...
whatever your gift toward me, i'm not worthy, because i know myself.
let your will prevail, and my hopes be realized, in Jesus name,
amen.
Permalink | posted by James Mendham @ 11:09 p.m. |
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