a letter to Sarah :) -
Hi,
so then, i hope things are well with you. I hope that the youngen is growing up strong and happy.
I'm writing this letter for 2 reasons. 1 because it has to be done for my own sake; as God has shown it to me; and secondly to thank you.
When we met, i was still hurt and frightened and broken from all that Laurie had done to me in her hatred. she still is incidently, however, i forgive her, it is her ache that drives her, not forgiveness that heals her. You were the sweetest most accepting person I'd known up to that point in my life. And God used u to bring so much healing to me, in my heart, and in my spirit, that now, after years, I understand everything that God allowed in this, even the very ending of it. The testing of my faith, the trials of my heart, and the ability to live within the forgiveness I tried to show you, and the peace that He used you to show me.
Remember when I told you that I what I prayed before we met? I didn't realize until after all was said and done, of what exactly it was that I prayed. God reminded me. I remember that, laying in bed before I met you and talking to Him. Asking for just one taste. One taste of an innocent love for myself, so I could experience it. Learn it and know what it feels like... know what it was like to actually love someone without restriction. Then came you. Of course, I couldn't possibly know what God was intending to do. Inspite of everything He'd shown me in my life, I really didn't know His plan anymore than you did. Nor can anyone obviously.
God reminded me, that I should've prayed more specifically, however, since then He's shown me what to ask for, so I don't overstep His rules or boundaries.
When I met you I had not actually loved a single woman in my life. Adored, desired, lusted after, infatuated with... sure all of that... but loved? Freely with everything inside me? No. Also, even now, looking at you and our interaction I can still say that I didn't love you fully. Since I always reserved a part for myself.
Sarah... God used you to teach me how to love like a child again. How to love freely and clearly in believing. In faith, as an innocent child. He used you to heal me of hurts and trusts which were breached. And not for us, not for you and I together. But for me, for my own sake. In order to make me ready for whom I was actually matched for... the actual choice He had for me. (whomever that is to be of course is yet to be seen; but meh, i'm not in a hurry and you know me well enough to know I can't be bothered to seek her out).
I have no idea what it was that God used me for in your life, and whatever it was or is, i'm sure that indeed, you have learned it and embraced it.
So, i can say sincerely. That i do love and adore you. Not in the romantic sense at all, but rather, in the precious truth of God in you, and you in God, and Christ healed and saved for you and me. Thank you for being used by Him, thank you for your prayers, your faith, your innocence. For being who you are, and for accepting a silly old man with a dream. It is because of you dear Sarah, that I was actually able to see my way clear to what it was in me, and what it was in my heart, that i desired... the ability to see the hidden desires of my heart. To feel able to recieve them, and feel worthy of them. If God had not introduced you into my life, i would never have been able to recieve the true gift of my heart. The piece which was meld for me. :)
I will pray for you whenever He brings you to my mind... and smile at the gift I was given in you. I'll see you in heaven, and we can hug and be happy that we're home :)
Enjoy whom God gives you as your partner, in fullness, in love and in trust, praying as you do, in the strength that you have. Be faithful to the calling of your nature in Christ, and stay the course. Never limit yourself since God is omnipotent. Never settle, and never give up, because you are a child of God, of the remnant, of the elect. Chosen before the foundations of the world.
Bye, and God bless.
James
Permalink | posted by James Mendham @ 1:55 p.m. |
intellesting stuff :) -
You know? I'm not lonely. Haven't been for as long as I can remember. K, well I do remember being lonely before; when I swapped out my life of debauchary for a life of promises by God.
It was hard, and i know I'm not the only person in the history of man to change my life on a dime; and be and do the things I knew I was; instead of the things I was actually doing which all were not at all anything reflective of my heart.
yet here it is! My phone is constantly ringing with friends and suitors; and there isn't a night that goes by where folks are not calling me to do something. Of course, working does mean nope, I can't go out and get nuts on a monday or tuesday or wednesday night; yet even so... peeps are still just coming over; respectful of the fact that james won't party during the week.
people are still talking to me about my bbq party and I'm still getting complaints from those that weren't 'invited' to it. ironically it wasn't a 'big bash' and wasn't ever intended to be one. it was intended to be an experiment.
I prayed about it. I invited only about a dozen peeps. Yet the house had more folks than we had room to hold. And now, that its been discussed by so many people, and others that were all sceptical on this aloof james character, it is indeed going to be a monthly event! I've already arranged for a dj for the one on May 1st weekend, and Ron from work and Andy, will both come with their bands on June 1st weekend and play for everyone. All volunteering, and offering!
It is humbling. I was so jaded and suspicious of those whom others thought were my "friends" while the whole time, i was thinking uh huh, sure they are; as long as i can give them money, buy the beer; help them get drugs or whatever else.
and now? well, i suppose all these years of showing integrity; honour, honesty and true friendship to so many; has come back to me as a blessing of those around me.
I've heard it said that a person is best viewed by the company they keep. And the things that I've heard so much in the last few weeks are all reflective of that I suppose. Although I'm not boasting since after all, it is the friends I have that determine whom I am.
The one thing that entirely sticks out for me, and which has been reiterated perpetually since the beginning of the month is that everyone was stunned at how well everyone got on at the party. Everyone got on well with the others; exchanging numbers; showing paramount respect and even those whom knew no one when they arrived, were happy that they had been asked to come.
It was even more interesting that when i spoke to the neighbor in the basement to join us, everyone was of the attitude of 'why is he here, and why is he such a dick?' with him being the only one ignorrant of the fact that his chip and ego and attitude of 'i'm all that and you should all bow to me cuz i'm a cambiphile and dime bag dealer' had no value to anyone.
I snake is easily seen by all that are not afraid of snakes.
I'm hearing tons of idea's and such that folks desire to contribute to the next venues and it is nice to know that the calibre of friends which I have, are fully reflected in their overwhelming abilities to be accepting of each other in honesty instead of false pretense; and that they desire to become fully involved with those others whom they've met; in sincerity; without gossip or infantile childish drama's that come from bars.
I did think though that it is too bad that JW and I didn't work out, as I know she would've had a wonderful time, and met wonderful people, all of whom would've respected our relationship; and respected her in her own right, by her own merit.
Ironic how things are stripped away before they've actually had a chance to actually become anything.
Of course, the upside of that is, that both JW and I have completely seperated ourselves from the avenues of specific clubs in the gastown area, and the attitudes of the lower life forms which habitate those stools and chairs; mocking the better people; of whom both JW and I were; simply because they either couldn't have us, or couldn't be like us in their jealousy and pompous chip on their shoulder attitudes.
So, all's well that ends well.
The only thing that I do wish - as God is the ruler and designer of all life; by His grace if He will allow - is that JW and I will again be able to share the safety of the friendship and appreciation we held for each other before the rain, the gossip, and the stress of money and distrust weeded in to destroy the capacities of the better people which we are.
However again, no one can pray against the free will of another, and each of us must struggle with our own stubborness, rebellion and abilities to forgive others and ourselves.
After that...? well, its all gravy.
I am grateful. I'm grateful and humbled by the dramatic return of all which was mine before KH and gastown, before the Cambie abyss of jealousy and artificial people with judgements and attitudes all garnered and weaned through insecurity. I'm grateful that God has restored to me all that was lost and that it is 7 times which was lost. As He has promised. As He has written. And as it must be done for those whom truly serve the only true God.
For all things are acceptable, yet all things are not profitable; and anyone who can understand that wisdom; in its true universal truth; will discover that the knowledge of God; is greater then the human perception of spirituality modified to suit our desires and wants.
For anyone that can perceive that last paragraph; also realize this... wanting and having are never the same thing, and its better to recieve what we're gifted than aspire towards achievement as the having never quells the hollow inside; forcing us again to desire; and crave more; thinking that in the chase, we'll achieve the contenment, which was never designed to be achieved at all.
A gift is forever. Anything taken, is only fleeting and temporary.
Permalink | posted by James Mendham @ 1:16 p.m. |
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