(j wrote....)
he watches her, sitting at the desk in the high back dining chair, her head leaning over the papers on the desk, hands clasped behind her back between her and the back of the chair... walking up behind her careful not to disturb her in thought, he forms a circle with his index finger and thumb, wrapping them around her wrist, whispering in her ear, "click, i just cuffed you, you're mine now"
her head snaps up from her deep concentration, as he swings the chair around, trapping her arms between the small of her back and the chair, sitting on the chair, pulling her legs overtop his, pushing her hard, back against the chair...
she glares at him with a mixture of curiousity, and annoyance at the interruption.
with his hand on the back of her head, and her legs stretched over his, pushed together, almost crotch to crotch, he leans into kiss her...
inspite of herself, she opens her mouth to recieve his lips, just as he grazes her, he stops, with a mischievous smirk.
she tries to bite him for failing to kiss her, just as he pulls her head back.
he wraps his hand around her back, interlacing fingers and pulls her close to him, as he presses toward her, letting his lips rest against her inner neck, just about her collar-bone, opening his lips extending his tongue just to graze with his breathe contrasting the wetness left as a trail, dragging his lips just barely above her flesh, occasionally dragging his teeth from her ear to the bone on her shoulder...
letting go of her hair, he reaches around lifting her, as she wraps her legs around him, pushing forward against him, forcing his mouth harder against the muscle just below your ear. biting her exacts a quiet sound as her arms wrap around him... he leans into the wall, gripping her firmly by her thighs....
(c wrote...)
she places her hands on the sides of his head...gently running her fingers through his soft hair. with a firm hand she tilts his head up and back against the wall so his chin is directly above her mouth. he feels her warm breath as she parts her lips while staring deeply into his eyes...her glistening tongue reflecting from the light breaks his stare. He looks down anticipating the softness of her fllesh on him...with tender passion she traces the outline of his chin..from the dimple on his chin down to his neck...he lets out a heavy moan that sends chills over her body. using her lips..to place soft kisses on his chest she reaches the top of his shirt. again she looks up and stares into his soulful eyes...he pulls her in even tighter. his hands cupping her bottom. and in one swift movement he.......
(j wrote...)
holding her firmly, he spins her around pressing her - chest to waist into the wall - pulling her head sidways biting lightly and firmly into the muscle above her collarbone and back of her neck, pressing himself into her lowerback, pushing his hand just inside her waist band, he drags his nails across her firm soft belly, as a deep quiet moan escapes her throat, she pushes back against him, her hands reaching around pulling him in closer... she turns her head and their lips meet in the first full embrace, tongues dancing lightly, yet hungrily....
slowly she faces him, they release their clenched pressure, body off body.... looking into her eyes, everything is shown, his heart, his mind his soul, touching her's....
<...time passes...>
(j writes...)
the haze closes in around his eyes, choking his breathe, the smell of sulphur burns the inside of his nostrils as tears stream down his eyes... ...the evil, the fullest purest evil... bile vomitting from the core of hurts past bubble past his lips... she stumbles, falling back against the wall as tears and fear and the ebb of heartbreak wracks her body, as a rag doll...
deep inside himself, the man he is tries to reach out through the shackles and chains binding him to the deepest recess of his heart, unable to stop the evil spewing through his outer shell...
...through the windows of his eyes he watches the clouds roll in to block his vision of her, the dream taken shape fades into a cloud of abyss from the depths of tartarus...
...every insecurity he has crashing into every one of her fears, fragmenting and clouding deeper darker pains, every shared truth from each striped to its core of vulnerability, destroying the truth of tasted love and hope, faith distorted, trust betrayed, their safety of the walls crumble to the ground quaked by the shaking foundation...
...her pain, so intense, shattering her to the depths, beyond recovery, retaliates in an equal venom, each denouncing the other, love tasted buried to squelch the pain neither thought possible... hatred equal to his thrown back at him...
neither desiring it, niether able to bare it, both choking on the death occuring inside the one heart, ripped again toward two broken shards of fragile crystal... one heart, one spirit, one soul destroyed...
in the shadows, the evil hiss and laughter of the darkness, prideful at its ability to destroy a perfect heart... the dark coal of his eyes, hissing in purest hatred, a never ending black... yanking on the chains of each hurt he has them bound with... first him, then her... tugging in unison to imflict the greatest choke for each toward the other... a groan of acid dripping from his lips in satisfaction...
in the heavens, he cries, looking down on what he had created, the perfection splinters into a thousand fragments on the tile floor, shattered into dust... "why weren't they strong enough? Why didn't they trust enough?"
the cloud encompasses them completely, he cannot see her, she cannot see him... each realized dream vapourized in a moment. Replaced by empty aching pain...
a living death begins...
Permalink | posted by James Mendham @ 4:34 p.m. |
Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog. That basically means that most of you can leave comments and carry on with life as usual. On the other hand, my one and only stalker will give me all her tech information and I can track her with the already useful bevy of emails she's sent over the years to throw her psycho stalking ass in jail.
:D don't you just love modern technology?
Permalink | posted by James Mendham @ 3:18 p.m. |
"the battle" (oct 15th, 2003) -
The Battle is Won!
We searched far and wide, both high and low to route out the enemy. Failing to expose him, we returned defeated…
Only to discover that we had searched in vain - the enemy was within…
We had gone to war, but we were defeated before we reached the battlefield. For we did not recognize the enemy, nor could we recognize his attacks or from where it would come. We were at a loss as to where to find him…
(“in order that no advantage be taken of us by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his schemes”
2 Corinthians 2:11)
Returning to our camp, defeated, we settled not down, nor partook of any sustenance. Instead, we gathered together to take inventory and undertake examination of what remained of ourselves. The Captain rose and read from the list. Those who had fought honorably were set to the right, and those that failed were bound together and chained in the stockade. Upon our dismissal, each of us on the right, returned – each to their tent, to prepare for the great battle. Tomorrow we would destroy the enemy…
The enemy that is within…
We struggled and clawed at the rock, straining to reach the top, weighed down with our incredibly (perceived) burdens. Sharp cries of anguish would echo throughout the valley as some would slip and slide down the rugged face of the cliff… refusing to let go of their struggles - overcome by the gravity of their shame. Many clung to crevices, exhausted and drained, stopping their climb. The rest of us groaned under our weight, straining for the crest, the apex of our hope – dropping load after load to free our hands toward a more firm grip of the promise…
At the summit, climbers scurried to and fro, bearing their buoyant loads, preparing for the feast. The Captain stood on the crest, surveying the scene. He turned and gazed down at the valley, and surveyed all the baggage that had been dropped, to tumble down the face resting finally at the foot of the cross. Why did the others struggle so with their fears? Why did they prefer to hold onto the weights that kept them bound, instead of climbing toward the promise? The price has already been paid, all were already freed to throw off their burdens and scale the heights. Tears filled the eyes of the Captain as he turned and faced heaven,
“Father, please let them know…”
We huddled, wrapped in blankets, warming ourselves by the fire. Visions of the enemy raced through our heads. My heart fluttered as I looked numbly around at the others. Some were trembling – others were staring steely eyed into the burning embers. Tomorrow was to be the day – the day when we would attack. We had prepared long for this day, each one struggling to win (his own) battles… the battles within – the battle with fear, with selfishness, with pride, with worthiness, with love… with self control. No one spoke. All seemed transfixed.
Ashon rose and walked to the center of the circle, standing by the fire. He gazed at all of us with strength and faith in his eyes. He opened the old book, the pages worn and tattered and began to read:
He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide in the Almighty’s shade. I will say to Jehovah: My refuge and my fortress, my God; I will trust in Him. For He delivers you from the fowler’s trap, from destruction’s plague. With His feathers He will cover you, and under His wings you shall seek refuge; His truth is a shield and buckler. You shall not fear the terror of night, of the arrow that flies by day; of the plague that walks in the darkness; of the destruction laying waste at noonday. A thousand shall fall by your side, and ten thousand at your right hand; it shall not come near you. Only with your eyes you shall look, and see the reward of the wicked. Because You, O Jehovah, are my refuge; you make the Most High your habitation. No evil shall happen to You, nor shall any plague come near Your tent. For He shall give His angels charge over You, to keep You in all Your ways. They shall bear You up in their palms, that You not dash Your foot on a stone. You shall tread on the lion and the adder; the young lion and the serpent You shall trample underfoot.
Ashon paused, to give us a moment to reflect and absorb the passage from the book, the gazes around the flames had softened, some eyes misty with hope… Ashon spoke…
“Remember who you are, and who He is that has called you to this war…” He cleared his throat and continued to read…
Because he has set his love on Me, therefore I will deliver him; I will set him on high, because He has known My name. He shall call on Me and I will answer him; I will be with him in distress; and I will rescue him and honor him. I will satisfy him with length of days and will make him see My salvation. (psalm 91)
Ashon closed the book and a warm sense of peace began to descend upon us and envelope our motley little band. Victory was assured. Our Captain had already won the war.
From the crest of the hill we could see them coming, dark outlines in the hazy early morning light. In the distance they looked like a thick dark swarm moving steadily over the terrain. We waited, each one gripping tightly their sword and shield, feet planted firmly, faces set towards the rising sun. Each minute seemed to span an hour. We contemplated what was about to occur, trying to discern the dark shapes approaching. The steam from our breath rose silently in the chill dawn. The rumble of thousands of marching feet, coming for the showdown, filled the air. We waited, and observed – soon we were able to make out their individual forms. Finally, they stopped at the foot of our hill – thousands upon thousands of them, spread out across the valley. We could now, for the first time, clearly see our enemy. Their hideous forms were arrayed row upon row. Deformed homely faces peered up at us. The stench of death and decay was repugnant to my nostrils, and I wished to vomit, but I didn’t flinch for I had made my stand and committed my faith. I – We would fight to the end. Silently I prayed, “Father, give us strength.” No one moved. Each second seemed like an eternity. Thousands of blood coal eyes bore up at us, the five of us glared back, waiting for the next move. Their ranks slowly parted and an incredible dark warrior strode out from among them. He was adorned as a prince and the ground shook as he approached us. He stood bold and taunting, with eyes that seemed to suck me into an abyss of cold despair… He spoke as my focus returned… “I have come to claim what is mine”, he thundered. “Who will prevail against me? Who will dare test my steel?”
From behind the rock where He had been sleeping our Captain arose and donned His cloak. Fire was in His eyes and a double mouthed sword was in His mouth. His voice thundered out across the valley and the entire hoard fell on their faces save one. “I will prevail against you dark prince! You have no claim here. I have paid the price! See it here!” The Captain raised His cloak to show His bloody side, and extended His hands so that the blood could be seen running from His pierced hands. The dark prince stumbled backward and collapsed to his knees falling to his face. The Captain, our Captain, grabbed the dark prince by his hair and pulled his head back, placing His sword upon his throat. “If only this were the appointed day, but it is not… we’ll continue another day. Be gone with you!” A cloud of smoke was all that remained where the dark prince had fallen.
Suddenly as if scales had fallen from my eyes, I saw them, thousands of beings of light descending to haul the enemy away. Within minutes, the wails and screams of terror trailed off into the distance. We surveyed the scene of desolation, and questions flooded my mind. All this preparation and it was already over? “Captain? Where are you? What happened?” A bright beam of light fell on me and I looked up and beheld my Captain sitting on a throne, high and lifted up. Tears welled up in my eyes as I heard Him say, “the battle was only ever mine!”
Suddenly the dark prince sprang out before me from under the stile, wielding his bloodied weapons of war. The sun glinted off of my steel as we circled around each other, each waiting for the other to flinch. Smoke curled out of his nostrils and his narrow eyes glowed with a red hatred. My eyes never left his as the dust churned under our feet. Suddenly a wave of panic swept across his face, and he bolted to run. My sword caught him across the back of his shoulder as he turned, and howled obscenities at me as he turned into wind and disappeared. Shaken, I peered around to see what had terrorized him so. Finally, I saw off in the distance the Captain watching from the hill, His cloak billowing in the breeze. He shouted out, “Let your eyes be opened to see!” Then, I beheld as if in a dream, the heavenly army descending with chariots of fire and weapons of the light. They were clothed in white and shone like the sun. Gratefully, I sheathed my sword, and fell to my knees to worship. “Thank you Lord! Praise you Father!” (2 Kings 6:8-23)
Each of us humbly bowed and breathlessly waited for the touch of our Captain’s sword, on our heads. The touch that would bring healing to all of our battle scars. Finally I saw His feet, stained with blood before me and felt His sword come down, resting lightly on my head. Warmth flooded through my body and I fell forward washing His feet with my tears of joy, kissing His feet. I felt strength flowing down throughout my tired aching body, and I felt young again. Strong hand’s lifted me to my feet and wiped the tears from my eyes. “You have fought the good fight! Go and rest, because tomorrow we will do battle again.” He vanished and the sound of, “I love you,” echoed in my thoughts - lingering - as I turned and walked to my tent. Yes indeed, tomorrow would be another great day…
The last thing I remember was the zing of the blade as it sped through the air before everything went dark…
I felt the same strong arms of my Captain around me as we sped through silent space, hurtling upwards toward the perpetual light. Suddenly I found myself bowed before my Captain, kneeling before my Lord. With a broad smile He brought me to my feet and wrapped His arms around me, hugging me tightly he spoke, “Well done my good and faithful servant!” He kissed me and placed a new white robe upon me, with a gold crown of life upon my head, quietly whispering my new name into my ear. I could hear the jubilant song of the angels as tears of joy ran down my cheeks. I would never do battle again! I was forever home and He was mine, and I was His… Amen.
Permalink | posted by James Mendham @ 3:07 p.m. |
reset -
it occured to me, that the iggy list for yahoo, and the archives, if one never goes into a chatroom, are pointless. So... knowing this, i have cleared the entire archives directory, cleared out my iggybin, and reset everything to defaults. Stripped my contact list back to its original "pre-chat" format, and now everything in life should return to normal.
That was one experience i never want to go through again.
Fool me once?
shame on you!
fool me twice?
shame on me!
This will probably hurt a little while longer, however, yeah... it was the internet, so she wouldn't have been real anyway. never would've visited, and it was all just typical chatroom crap. You can't love someone unless you meet them face to face. You can't know someone until you meet them face to face. Cuz gossip rules the chatroom world, in person, you can see the actions and the words, and actually know if what you see, is what you get.
sigh, well, too bad then. buck up li'l tumbleweed, and lets hit the trail again, watch for injuns, and keep the hat tilted to protect my eyes from the sun. Stay on the watering hole for the horses, and keep the canteen close at hand. The rifle's clean, and the 6 shooter is ready on the hip.
mount up... and ride...
Permalink | posted by James Mendham @ 2:47 p.m. |
nicotine withdrawal -
cold turkey from a pack and a half of cigs a day, non filtered (cuz i rip the filters off)
i'd give you a day 1 to day 3 synopsis, but i can't remember them really. I know i was agitated and irratable, and really angry for no apparant reason, and i'm sure, in a couple of weeks everything that has happened by this brutal attempt at quitting smoking will suddenly come rushing to the front of my brain.
however, today is day four:
shake
skin feels like leather
my face is pulled over my eyes
i can feel my blood rushing through my veins
i can feel my heart beat and my skin literally quivering
tons of energy, but its insane energy, not anything else.
i can't think, my feelings are a jumbled mess
and i have no idea what the hell is going on
damn... damn damn damn damn
i could prolly beat the crap out of a cage full of tigers
and this rage? no idea where it comes from, cuz it isn't
inside me, but it sure is coming from somewhere.
so far its taken me 20 minutes to write what i'm writing right now
cuz i've had to backspace over every word i've typed, cuz of typo's
God help me through this pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez
I can't lose anything else that matters,
or this quitting thing will have been for nothing.
I'm already thinking it is for nothing.
cuz i've already destroyed pretty much 3 friendships
and half my kitchen.
Permalink | posted by James Mendham @ 10:11 a.m. |
...and let your peace return to you... -
For all the pain inside,
the seeds of hurt arrive,
to plant a single grain,
and choke the rosebed lain.
For everyone of us,
which wrestle with our trust,
to ache in bitter rear,
and chained by choking fear.
Now this I've learned as well,
Through lifes hard aching swell,
That only through a hope,
is freedom from this rope.
Forgiveness is the knife,
Which restores heart to life,
To cut the cords which bind,
for freedom from the blind.
So this is what I've done,
to stand and feel I've won,
Forgiving those who hurt,
for freedom from the curt.
Now years past can i view,
In this here life anew,
With pity all compassioned,
towards their hope is fashioned.
In prayers for those which made,
The first seed which was laid,
Which died in faith and trust,
Forgiveness freedoms must.
without a bitter curse,
or even wordy terse,
I love them in their hate,
which cannot breach my gate.
So this is what was meant,
when Jesus here was sent,
To show us how to love,
the metaphor the dove.
For freely I received,
to loosen my bereived,
which now is patient peace,
a never ending fleece.
With every gift in hand,
like footprints in the sand,
You've carried me through fire,
So my heart lifted higher.
My God my king my Lord,
You've shown me the reward,
Toward this current grace,
as smiles do cross my face.
So thank you for the pain,
Since now I've much more gain,
Toward what I once lived,
Is open armed to give.
Permalink | posted by James Mendham @ 12:53 a.m. |
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