blink blink -
Its been an easy day. :)
woke up over looking english bay with the mountains all bright. There was a bit of rain, however, it was all good. I didn't get alot of sleep, however, that wasn't my fault. Girls like to keep boys up at night and then say that its the boy that kept them up. shrugs, no worries.
so tonight, three steaks on the bbq, and of course, movies, mikey and his brother, and prolly melissa or teresa will drop by later on. Already spoke to the zac-meister and he's out already, some pub somewhere, doing something... heh, its all good for me :)
and well, i found out today at work that I'm the lead on the Coldfusion endevour we're moving toward. Somehow we managed to garner all the clients of Radiant, which somehow got shuffled in the sale, and since i'm the only coldfusion server administrator and developer on staff then yay, i get to lead on all those gigs :D so of course, i get another new server to play with... heh
and i'm ordering a new web and database server. Cuz well, i'm going to use that big fattee that has done so much work over the years, as my personal home computer... gonna need a new sound and vid card though... but it'll go great with that 48 inch TV :D
AND, i get to go for training on Level software, cuz i'm teh only dude inhouse that has any experience with enterprise CMS/CRM integrated systems, as well as sharepoint and greatplains :)
yup yup, that raise is only a matter of days off now :D who gets a raise for 10$/hour folks??? who? me that's who :D cuz i am just too smart for my own good... yup yup, its true.
as for the women, well i'll decide if i even want a girlfriend when i decide. the last one didn't go so well, and I don't think i'm into being used like that again for awhile. after all, who wants to be something to pass the time till boredom sets in? or till someone that they're actually interested pays attention to them?
k, so that's what i learned about settling... brrrrr, not doing that again...
so then, as everything that i deserve has been restored to me, i can sit back and coast :) enjoy the ride, and since i've totally turned my back on the entire cambie dime bag crowd with all their deluded ego's, as well as the chicks that go there :) my life has been restored to normal.
Going to church on Sunday :D i can't believe the pastor actually apologized to me and said i was right!! I guess God is humbling everyone around me that had to get their ego and selfish ambitions trashed first!
isn't it amazing God? when people are totally dishonest with me, or use me, even though i don't see it, you see it, and you take everything that they have away from them, and only a few people manage to be humble enough to get it restored to them... amazing really, i will always love you :D I forgive them, and you let them destroy themselves, by themselves...
oh well, c'est la vie.
now the only thing that has to happen pappa is kevin. He has to move now. He needs to move somewhere else, so that last acursed thing can be replaced by what you have decided. By your will, and your strength, i ask you in Jesus name; to move Kevin out, and move in someone that serves you. He mocks you openly and well, he is far to arrogant and proud to admit error or wrong to anyone; he after all knows everything doesn't he? prolly why his g/f and kid left him.... i suppose, maybe, probably...
Amen!! ty for hearing and fulfilling that prayer Pappa.
as for jaynie. well, i did hurt her pretty good, and she hurt me pretty good, and we actually would've been fine if we had just been able to lean on each other for trust sake, and faith through you; and I don't wish her ill at all, and I'm glad that she's getting away from those idiots at moores. And I'm grateful to you that you showed her that her friends, those people she thought were friends had nothing to do with you, and didn't even love her. Even her best friend, that allie chick... i wonder how long it'll be for jaynie to learn that? oh well, she'll get hurt a ton more times by allie before she realizes that there wasn't ever a friendship there at all from the beginning.
and i hope lord that you'll teach her the real you, not this silliness about sexual orientation indifference, or loose morals, or self indulgences. but the real you. the one that teaches us to give without remorse, expectation, or need. and to ask and need nothing. teach her that dead once is dead always, that there no rediculious notions of past lives, or any of that silly blinded lying that satan has used to fool so many people.
the world isn't here long, and she's nice enough, deep enough down that she deserves to see you lord. and then we'll be friends without all the silliness that this world has to offer. truth for truth and love sake. :)
caio.
Permalink | posted by James Mendham @ 5:52 p.m. |
well maybe good things all 'round then :) -
well, I could be wrong this time. she may have actually broken that chain. :)
i just read her journal and it turns out she has a new job. and she sounds happy about it! Good for her! finally!
man, it would've been nice to see that happen when i was with her, instead of what did happen.
however, nonetheless, perhaps all things are as they should be :)
i'm happy, she seems to be finally getting what she wants, and well, i hope that she'll be the woman i saw when i met her instead of the infant that she became.
:)
Lord? I think that all things are all good in the universe right now, and you're helping people still!
I do feel pretty warm inside, and I'd love to give her a hug, or a call, but really, I don't think she could or would even accept it. so c'est la vie.
it sure is good to feel proud of someone i've cared for, watching them finally breakfree from the very thing that i had to badger her about - to the eventual demise and oblivion of the relationship.
:) good on her. Finally!
Permalink | posted by James Mendham @ 4:26 p.m. |
sweet smell of living :) -
this is pretty damn cool. Everything is back. Mikey came back from back east, and man its good to see him. Old friends, new friends; dumped the crappy wah friends; no more bars or losers in my life.
lets inventory it shall we?
i have an amazingly honest and upstanding room-mate; the first one I've been able to trust since I've been in vancouver. All the rest came from the cambie, and as i've stated before... everyone that i've ever met there, is a loser. even the one girl i actually dated from that place; however, she isn't really a loser; she just prefers to live that way in her thought life.
anyway, enough about her; that one isn't worth the effort I'm making to be her friend, and ultimately; I already know that she's a taker; she doesn't give of herself... how can she? those walls couldn't be climbed by anyone. personal issues and fear rule her world.
so where was i...
oh yeah... so this last weekend, teresa, melissa, and james came over and we had a bbq. nice time that was :) didn't even know that she was into me, and she's hot, so that was nice to know.
then running into mikey on tuesday, well he has been a starlight in what could've been a hard time getting over something that wasn't good for me anyway.
and of course, next weekend (not this coming one) I'm having another bbq, and it just occured to me today, that dammit; there are going to be a lot of folks there :O
this isn't even the big summer bash, its just a friendly little middle of the afternoon get together, and its already over 30 people. Who'da thunk it :O
then I'm being sent for training, and i get to fly away again :)
Tanya and I are talking about the caymans for a week - looking forward to that hardcore :D
jer is coming up and we're gonna do some skiing, and lets not forget that honking good weekend at whistler on the 14th :D skiing, 50 live bands, tons of good food, and of course, there will be tons of kewl people that I'll meet. people that actually have a life; and didn't come from the morose side of woe is me.
i get my new car in a week :D cha man..
i haven't ever worried about what horrible things are happening... how the hell do i have time for that? when there are so many awesome things sitting there around the corner?
i'm liking that i'm popular again. I'm liking my phone going off all the time, and text messages all the time, from everyone, and not cuz they want something, or need to bitch and complain about something, but rather, cuz they want to hang out. do something, and want to right away. and I don't have to listen to wah wah wah or bitch bitch bitch when i get together with them.
My life rocks again :)
folks, I was living on my own and put myself through high school and university all before i was 18. If you could've done that, then you'd know full on why life is easy. cuz it only takes effort and motion, not obsessive rehashing of what you don't have, or what terrible things have happened to you. cuz the fact of the matter is. most everyone has had a hard life. it isn't the life that you have which defines you; its your attitude that defines the life you have.
if you are positive, and living in strength, your life will reflect it and you will gain multitudes of joy and peace and happiness.
if you're a negative person living in fear, then you'll always be alone, not really anyone that anyone else wants to be bothered with, and only used as a masturbation tool for whomever on the weekends.
take an inventory about how many times your phone rings in a week, hell in a day. is it worth you having a phone? or should you just discover a personality that doesn't revolve around critiques and negs about anyone and everyone else?
in my experience, i figure if a person can't listen to negative stuff about themselves, they should probably not open their mouths at all with any negative commentary about anyone else.
Permalink | posted by James Mendham @ 2:54 p.m. |
what was i thinking?? -
well, this has all turned out interestingly enough.
I was alone for awhile before this last girl, and maybe that's why I ended up with her? K, so in her defense, she isn't really that bad. She's young, laced with all the over dramatized morose over exaggerations of suffering, and self obsessed indulgent teenage rhetoric.
mind you though, i've been with other women, and even those whom i've been with, that were younger - either dating or as friends - didn't sound so morbid all the time. Woe is me, and woe is me, perpetually to the point of obsessive compulsion, really isn't all that attractive, and the amazing thing is, that she is, quite visually stunning. Isn't it too bad when someone is so aesthetically pleasing, existing in the land of morbid angst; refusing to recieve any positive feedback, and nurturing, their own negativity by literally creating the defused lonliness they themselves dispise, and yet, encourage?
I was attracted to her innocence. Her sweetness, and what i perceived to be unjaded curiousity... all of which i discovered fairly quickly was artificial.
Now, the dynamics are obviously a little bit foolishness on my own behalf.
She wasn't interested in me to begin with. Actually she wanted to be with a co-worker whom was already involved, and ironically he only ever spoke to her sexually and flirtatiously. and of course, she did want to be with my loser basement room-mate prior to that, knowing full well that this particular boy lived in the land of delusion, pretending as though he has it all figured out; while he goes about taking advantage of every friend that steps into his life.
so i shouldn't have been surprised really. Her choice of men was so totally different than i could've ever been, it was inevitable that it would fail. I don't need to be the bigshot; i'd rather be happy, content, loved, and at peace. Mind you; i also don't want to listen to whining and complaining about the same thing day in and day out for weeks at a time. An adult, just gets off their ass, puts up, or shuts up. Either gets going, or reconciles it and lives with it.
no one that is remotely healthy spends all their time going "wah this person this" and "wah this person that" and talking to everyone about everyone else - and then - to compile the ignorrance of that behaviour, to actually sit back and get all offended and upset and hurt, when the very thing that they do as a daily habit, and mainstay, occurs to them.
you know, i don't talk about people behind their backs, what the hell for? when i can get right in their faces and tell them what i think about them, and never have them in my life again? Isn't that easier? Tell em, they get offended, and infantile (which is why they pissed me off enough to get in their faces in the first place) and then they go away. problem solved.
they're gone, no more problem :)
so here it is, about three weeks after me having some illusions that this morose little self absorbed woe is me child, and I would actually last. Of course we wouldn't last. She's the complete opposite of me. I decide, and I do. All in ten days or less; no matter what it is. She talks and dwells on the "i can't do..." "...i don't have..." "...I'll never be..." ... it just gets old.
and it dragged me down, a perfectly healthy happy guy, and in under a month i was completely miserable; constantly feeling like i had to stroke a baby that was suffering with pain all the time.
anyway, here it is a few weeks later, and what has occured? friends have flown back to vancouver, to hang out with me! :O all that stuff that went missing, suddenly showed up on my doorstep...
and the women... ahh the women... I haven't actually done a damn thing to promote myself, haven't been extra social or anything else, and they're coming out of the woodwork...
nice, intelligent, educated, driven, strong, (thank God for that strength), and my social life is back again. Jeez, virtually everyday, and evening, someone has either dropped by to visit, and stay over, or someone has called me to stay over at their house...
I've been to three concerts, 2 live bands (granted it was gastown so it was already seedy, but hey, the bands were good), 1 ballet, 1 opera, and now I've already beginning to plan my trip.
and already, its been barbque at James' house every weekend... man, people can't wait to hang out, and amazingly enough, now that I've removed all that scank crap bullshit from that cambie bar - from my life, these folks, these friends actually have jobs with paycheques. they actually pay their own way, and my gosh, on top of it? they're like me. generous without the land of what if could've should've might've been...
It occurs to me, that if people spend their energy looking at the good things that they have in their lives, instead of wah, this person hates me, wah, i'm fat, wah, i have no friends, wah i'm lonely, wah people are always picking on me; they'd see that life is easy, and that it changes for the better because their own headspace is there; and they'd clue into the fact that their friends are scum and backstabbers, and they are treated like crap because they themselves can't dwell on anything else.
too bad. she had a lot of hidden potential. You showed it to me God. I saw it, cuz you showed it to me, and well, it'll be a hell of a long time before that poor little girl will get her head out of her ass, and past her simple minded materialistic limited perceptions of life.
I should prolly just go out with people that actually have some clue, and have some education... cuz lets face it james. you worked in retail when you were 17ish... and you thought they were pretty much all bimbo's that liked to shop then... so why would it be any different now? they're the kind of people that grow up, old and judgemental about anyone and everyone as they spend all their free energy finding things to complain about; being parasitic to the world, while they wish they had what other people are busy getting, while they're busy wishing that they had it...
man... i had my head in my ass for a few months...
what the hell was i thinking going out with someone that is best suited working and living life in a bar, or lounge, or as counter help.
here's some advice folks. never date anyone outside your own station. it can't work, cuz they'll either never see what you see, or be bitter at it, cuz they don't have it.
Permalink | posted by James Mendham @ 1:21 p.m. |
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